Of Cake and Mayonnaise
by whatsthesymbology
Summary: What is left for Gintoki to do when he accidentally breaks Hijikata's precious mayonnaise jar lighter? Try to escape, of course. But his plan is thwarted when the man himself drops by. Explicit yaoi, anal, oral. Hijikata x Gintoki.


Title: Of Cake and Mayonnaise

Pairing: Hijikata x Gintoki

Rating: NC-17

Warnings: Anal, oral, explicit yaoi, mayo play xD

I do not own Gintama or any of the characters.

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Of Cake and Mayonnaise

_Crack._

Today had been no different from any other day. Wake up early, have breakfast, practice a bit and then go off to work at whatever job he happened to be holding down most recently. These past few days had involved babysitting some woman's pet dog, making sure it was fed every day and went out while her and her husband were away. Boring but painfully easy.

Once he had finished he returned to the home he shared with young Shinpachi Shimura and Kagura. Neither of them were home, which was also typical, off doing their own respective work or whatever.

He'd made himself some lunch out of leftover pudding and a small cake and had parked himself on the couch, intending to enjoy an afternoon of well earned lassitude with his meal and the latest _Jump _magazine. After all, he'd worked hard that day! And that was when the trouble started.

Gintoki swallowed and looked down at what he had sat on, groaning with dismay when he saw it was none other than Hijikata Toshirou's prized mayonnaise jar shaped lighter. At the moment he didn't care to think about how it could have possibly gotten in his home and on his couch. All he knew was that no matter how skilled he was with a sword if he didn't get out of there soon he'd find himself in pieces at the hands of that mayo freak demon, Hijikata.

He set his lunch down, not without much whining about how he'd been waiting to eat that cake all morning, and scrambled for the door. Perhaps he could hide out at that woman's house until this blew over. She wouldn't be back for another week, surely that was long enough that the black haired man would forget where he had left the lighter and would just go buy a new one, perhaps?

A fist connected with his face and he grunted, falling back onto the carpet and rubbing at the new bruise he sported on his cheek. "What the hell was that for!"

"I don't know, Gintoki, you tell me. I suddenly had the urge to punch that pretty boy mug of your's," growled the last person the silver-haired man wanted to see at that moment in time.

"I recently purchased a new practice sword and I came by to challenge you to fight with me, to see if my skills are still as superior to your's as I know they are... And you weren't here. No doubt you sensed your impending defeat and hid like a little girl!" Hijikata snapped, a muscle in his jaw twitching as he clenched his teeth together, unlit cigarette dangling from between his lips. "Pick up your sword and duel me, you b-"

He stopped midword, the angry expression on his face changing from one of confusion, then just as quickly to rage once more, face turning purple as he shoved his way by the other and headed for the couch.

"My.. my lighter! My beautiful lighter! What did you do!" he snarled, flames almost visibly radiating from his eyes as he turned to glare at the man sitting on the floor, the broken pieces of the mayonnaise shaped lighter held up in a trembling palm.

"Haha, well.. You see, about that.." Gintoki replied, rubbing the back of his head and slowly standing, inching towards his practice sword which he'd left leaning against the wall beside the door this morning on his way to work. At least he'd have some protection when the "demonic vice commander" came at him with sword raised.

He had almost made it to the possibly lifesaving piece of wood when strong hands lifted him up and pinned him to the wall, an angry face very much close to his. "You broke it! You broke it! It was one of a kind, it'll take ages for me to find someone to make me a new one so perfect, you jackass!"

Gintoki grunted and attempted to escape, kicking at the almost supernaturally strong Hijikata and yelping when he was most indefinitely pinned down by a knee buried in his crotch. "You're paying for a new one! You did this on purpose to avoid competing with me, you filthy coward!"

He had had enough of this and shoved the larger man back, gritting his teeth. "I am not a coward, I'm much stronger than you'll ever be, Hijikata! It was a damn accident! If you hadn't broken into my house like some sneaky rat and forgotten your ugly lighter here like a typical pea brain then this wouldn't have happened!"

"Take that back, you cheating scum! Take it back or I'll really get pissed off!" The black haired man demanded, a vein popping in his forehead. He didn't have to take this from some side job working sugar addict! He was Hijikata Toshirou, damn it, vice-commander of the Shinsengumi! No one talked to him like that!

"I won't take it back! Now get out of my house, you b-"

He was interrupted by a pair of hands picking him up and throwing him down onto the couch, a hiss of anger escaping him. What the hell was his problem!

"That lighter was my dearest possession. How dare you destroy it and then blame _me_ for your own stupidity!" Hijikata snarled, gripping the silver haired man's shoulders tight enough to bruise, a knee planted between Gintoki's splayed legs with the other supporting his weight.

"How are you going to repay me for ruining such a priceless, precious item? Hm, Sakata Gintoki?"

Black eyes went wide, staring up at the man on top of him as surprisingly slender hands began to tug at his clothing, the white and blue robe easily sliding over his shoulder to pool at his waist with the other half. What was going on? What could _he _give the man who pretty much had everything? (Except a mayo jar shaped lighter, he noted dryly.)

"Your body. Give me your body, Sakata Gintoki..." Hijikata breathed, leaning down and capturing shock slackened lips in a burning kiss.

His mind wasn't working. The shock of seeing his special lighter broken must have broken Hijikata's mind, Gintoki rationalized. Or perhaps he had hit his head and was hallucinating this entire thing! Otherwise there was just no way he could be on his back on the couch with a obviously very enthusiastic Hijikata kissing him and insisting he wanted his body as compensation. What kind of deal was that, anyways!

"Get off!" he snapped, shoving at the heavy man on top of him in an attempt to escape. But he found that his strength was gone, sapped out of him by the unexpected power those lips had over him. What was wrong with him? He couldn't even speak anymore, never mind fight off the vice commander of the Shinsengumi as those same callused hands began to work at the black leather belt holding the robe on, watching it be tossed aside and the white fabric pushed open to expose the black pants and shirt he wore beneath it. "What are you..?"

Hijikata ignored him, preferring to focus on removing the pesky clothing that kept him from getting what he wanted!

He quickly tossed aside the black shirt, working on the pants before finally getting them undone, his actions becoming more hurried as his need became greater, egged on my Gintoki's sudden complacency.

He stopped when the last shred of clothing had fluttered to the floor, swallowing and staring down at the muscled expanse of flesh beneath him. Since when had the silver haired man been so.. desirable?

"S-Stop looking, damn bastard!" Gintoki snapped, curling his fingers into a fist to punch the leering perv. But once more, lips sealed over his ceased any attempts to resist, the fist landing harmlessly on Hijikata's broad chest. He could feel his heart thudding in his chest and his failed attempt at punching the brunette away revealed that his heart was pounding just as hard.

Instead of beating Hijikata into the dirt like his mind was telling him to, Gintoki felt his hands beginning to work on the other man's clothing, pushing the heavy black and gold uniform coat over broad shoulders and tugging on the vest insistently. His brain wasn't working right, he supposed because all it wanted was to see Hijikata's body and that was _never_ something he'd ever wanted before, not even in his wildest sugar induced dreams.

His fingers fumbled impatiently with the zipper on the vest, his cheeks coloring indignantly when Hijikata shoved them away and undid it himself, tossing it aside to land on the table beside his jacket. Belt, pants and boxers soon followed, heavy boots hitting the floor with a soft clunk and suddenly Gintoki became very aware of their combined nakedness.

He swallowed as inky eyes devoured his body, growling and squirming beneath him. "Stop looking, damn you! I'm not some pin up for you to oggle!" he protested, glaring up at him. "Do something already!"

Hijikata grinned slyly and slid his hand down the middle of Gintoki's chest, letting long fingers tease an angular hip before dipping a little lower, amused when they came into contact with something surprisingly hard. "My, my, Gintoki. I'm flattered."

"Shut up!" came the snapped reply, the wriggle of hips beneath him in complete defiance of the anger in his voice. Was he seriously about to have sex with Hijikata? His mortal enemy? And was he going to willingly be the woman in all this!

He didn't even have a moment to try and digest that last part, his mind drawing a complete blank as a hot, rough hand curled around his hardened need and stroked from base to tip.

"H-Hijikata!" he gasped, hips thrusting up reflexively at that burning touch, shocked and embarrassed at the same time. How was it he was so flustered but the other was as calm and collected as ever! It wasn't fair!

Once more, all rational thought was driven from his mind as the vice commander continued to stroke up and down the heavy flesh in his hand, leaning back a bit to admire its considerable size. Shorter than his, but a bit thicker, resting in a bed of curly silver hair.

Gintoki felt those eyes on his skin again and a moan was ripped from his throat, hips thrusting up agreeably when the stroking hand began to move quicker on his skin, sliding up and down.

Suddenly there was a soft squelching noise and he felt something unfamiliar and cold on his cock, blinking open black orbs to stare down at himself. Had he come already? No, he still burned with the intense pleasure he was being given, so then what was that white stuff on his...?

"HIJIKATAAAAA!" he snarled, scrambling to try to sit upright while the dark haired man sat the small mayo container down on the coffee table, grinning at his captured prey. "What? I can't properly enjoy a meal without a healthy topping of mayo," he replied innocently, shoving Gintoki back down onto the couch. "Just sit put and behave."

The silver haired man cried out when his cock was engulfed in a burning hot mouth, searing away the coldness from the mayo in seconds and distracting him from his protests most successfully.

He fell back against the couch and tangled his fingers in long, silky black hair, moving his hips up desperately against the lips on his skin, breathing coming in sharp little gasps. He'd been with women before but none of them were nearly as skilled as the man he was with now. When had Hijikata become so good at giving head?

Even the mayo didn't feel nearly as gross, anymore, almost completely sucked away by that expert, tantalizing mouth.

Hijikata bobbed up and down on his cock, curling his tongue around the thick flesh tasting of salt and mayo. He honestly didn't have the add the mayo to do this, but the disgusted look on Gintoki's face was more than enough reason for him to do it. That was his punishment for breaking his lighter!

He growled when he remembered that little tidbit of information and began to suck harder on Gintoki's hardened flesh, relaxing his throat to take him in deep and hollowing his cheeks to create a vacuum affect within his mouth, curling a hand around the shorter to probe at the tight, virgin pucker.

He wasn't surprised when the man beneath him tensed and then thrust up hard, a hoarse scream filling his ears as he came. Hijikata swallowed the white fluid as it flooded his mouth, grimacing at the unfamiliar, salty flavor. He managed to drink most of it down, leaning up and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and wiping it on Gintoki's thigh.

"I bet I can make you come again before you make me come," he challenged in a husky growl, squirting more mayo onto his fingers and slicking them up with soft squishing noises, a sly look on his face.

"Fine, Hijikata.. You're on.." Gintoki panted, his skin flush with mingled pleasure and embarrassment, his arousal already beginning to respond to the animalistic gleam in the other's eyes. He had already come and would need time before he was at the height of climax once more, where as the brunette was already very hard and would likely come quite easily. It was a challenge he could win with ease and regain some of his honor back!

His confidence waved slightly, however, at the triumphant expression that the other wore before he was distracted by the pressure of fingers at his most delicate area. This was the part he had dreaded. He'd never had sex with another man before.. and even if he had he certainly would have been pitching, not catching!

But it was too late, now, to protest as a finger wormed its way inside of his body, making his hips twitch and cock respond instantly. Whether it was the feel of the finger in him or the reality of it being _Hijikata _that was doing this to him that made him burn with such need, but nevertheless here he was squirming like a purebred whore beneath the man he had always called enemy, his name falling from his lips like a cherry blossom petal from a tree, brushing past your ear with a barely perceptible whisper. "Hijikata..!"

He could feel the smugness radiating from the larger man but hardly cared (for now, at least) as he bucked his hips up against the delicious, thrusting finger inside of him, crying out when it was joined by a second slick digit.

"Still sure you want to continue the challenge, Gintoki?" Hijikata hummed, gripping a pale thigh and licking it lightly before suckling hard enough to leave a dark lovemark in his wake, keen to mark his territory so the silver haired samurai wouldn't forget this encounter for a long time, yet.

"Yes..! I will.. not.. lose...! Not to you! Not ever!" came the barked reply, bring a smirk to his lips. Some things would never change.

He added a third finger and began to pound them into the smaller's body, continuing to mark his thigh over and over. Suddenly Gintoki groaned and thrust his hips up, Hijikata's fingers brushing against something inside of him that nearly shot him to the moon. "What.. What..?"

"It's nothing, Gintoki.. I'm just using the ace up my sleeve to win this challenge," came the snickering reply from the black haired man as he removed his fingers, squeezing more mayonnaise out to slick up his cock, black eyes burning with undisguised lust that sent shivers of arousal up the other's spine. When had Hijikata become so arousing that a mere look left him trembling for more? With lean muscle rippling under his tanned skin, accented by the dark, spiky hair and mysterious inky eyes...

And when had he become so sickeningly girly!

He cried out suddenly when his thoughts were shoved aside by a sudden prickling of pain and pleasure, his legs jerked so that they rested on Hijikata's broad shoulders, something very hard beginning to press inside of him. It happened so fast he barely had time to think and react as he was slowly filled up, his back arching and toes curling, struggling to try and relax and allow the intrusion into his body.

Warm lips crushed against his mouth and he instinctively kissed back, feeling like he was being impaled by a sword and bent in half at the same time before he realized Hijikata was settled fully inside of his body.

He was so hot and _huge_, throbbing inside of him as he paused to allow for Gintoki's virgin body to adjust to such an unusual intrusion. It felt so strange.. and yet so good.. so unbearably freakin' good!

"G-God.. You're a damn beast..!" he groaned, curling his arms behind him to grip the couch cushions to keep from falling off, his skin flush with color and shiny with sweat, normally perfect, naturally permed hair lank and plastered to his skull.

Hijikata seemed to mull that one over, his hands arms wrapped around the legs on his shoulders to keep the other somewhat still, a smirk on his lips. "You look sexy like this, Gintoki. You should have sex more often and maybe your hair won't be so fluffy and curly," he teased, easily dodging the blow the man threw at him in retaliation. "Shut up! My hair isn't flu-mnnghh!"

His word was mangled into a strangled moan as, without warning, Hijikata began a fast, hard pace inside of him, making the couch squeak with each thrust in and out of his body. It hurt like a bitch at first but he wasn't about to admit that to the brunette, gritting his teeth as moans bubbled up from his throat.

His toes curled as pleasure shot up his spine each time the vice commander bottomed out inside of him, eyes long since squeezed shut to hide from the smug expression on the man's face. He couldn't lose to him, he refused!

Gintoki experimentally tightened his muscles and a smirk spread over his lips when this pulled a deep, rumbling groan from the man on top of him, gripping the cushion behind him hard enough to poke holes in the fabric with his nails. He would win the competition and then Hijikata couldn't try to kill him for breaking that stupid lighter.

The brunette wasn't down and out for the count, yet, however, and he upped his pace inside of Gintoki, releasing a pale thigh to grip his hardened cock and stroke it in tandem with his thrusting.

The silver haired man had to bite his tongue to keep from screaming with pleasure, back arching upwards like a bow. Hijikata took advantage of the new position and hammered into his prostate over and over, drowning the man beneath him in pleasure.

Finally Gintoki could take it no longer. A finally, strangled scream wrenched itself from his throat as he came, his cock twitching in that strong, rough hand as thick ropes of come shot out to spatter his stomach and chest, some even managing to paint his face in the sticky whiteness, a result of the elevated position he was in. "Hiji.. kata..."

With Gintoki's orgasm and subsequent loss of the challenge Hijikata really let into him, pounding into the spent body until he came, filling the tight body with his essence as a rumbling groan of pleasure hummed in his chest, shuddering with pleasure before collapsing on top of the smaller, breathing hard.

They lay there like that for a long moment, neither wanting to speak and break the moment which would return them to how things were before. Eventually they had to move, though, and with a sigh of regret Hijikata sat up and withdrew from Gintoki, wincing faintly as white seed spilled out from the very used pucker.

"Looks like I win this time, then," he snorted, standing with a groan and beginning to gather his things. Gintoki snapped out of the post coital daze he had sunk into and his cheeks burned with embarrassment, struggling to sit up with a whine as his sore ass throbbed.

"Yeah! Next time won't be the case!" he yelled back, eyes widening when he realized what he had just implied.

Hijikata grinned and turned back to look at him, his face radiating smug satisfaction. "Oh really? Why don't you prove it, then."

"I WILL! Just you wait, Toshirou Hijikata! I won't lose to you!"

Hijikata adjusted his jacket and chuckled, waving his hand. "Whatever you say, sore loser."

"I'm not a sore loser! And take your damn mayo with you!"

Gintoki threw the mayo bottle at the other man and turned away, cheeks flushed with embarrassment. He stayed silent until he heard the door close and then sighed, letting himself relax.

Well. There went his afternoon of lassitude. But at least he could still relax a little bit and eat his cake.

He blinked when he stared at the coffee table, registering the bowl of now warm pudding and an empty plate with chocolate crumbs on it. Where had his cake gone?

"HIJIKATAAAAAAAA!"

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A/N: Written for a contest on Aarinfantasy~ Reviews make me happy!


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